Trust and Respect

Respect.

It's a word thrown out here and there all the time. In a way, it's almost trite now. I know way too many people who throw out the word respect but do not practice it themselves.

I know too many people who say, "I don't give respect, you have to earn it." But dang, what does that solve. If everyone in the world thought like that, how will we ever acheive anything in the world. If no one is willing to give, how can anyone ever receive? In that stead, I ask, how can anyone have respect, be respected, unless they are able to respect others. Every single person in the world who I respect, who I love more than anything, has shown me respect first and foremost. My best friend, my father, my mother, every single person has shown love, trust, and respect and I them.

So, again, I ask, how can anyone be respected, if they cannot respect others?

Just now, a few hours ago, I threw a going away party for myself. It was very, very last minute and in all honesty, I didn't want to throw one, not one bit. There's way too much work, way too much cleaning, way too much hosting. But alas, my brother and some homies asked me to throw one, so I did. I figured I would be able to see all my friends for one last time.

So instead, the people who came for me I could count on two hands. My homies who begged me to throw a party didn't even bother to show up instead it was other random people who I didn't know, friends of friends of friends of my brother. Now, I am very, very appreciative of my homies who did show up, some homies that I haven't seen for years, but still showed, but part of me thought that other people who say they would, would show up, but they never did.

Part of me is glad that no one came. My brother's friends started some stuff outside and I had to play the good host and keep everyone inside until everything calmed down. My friend had to call the police on my own party. I'm going to write that again, we had to call the police on my own party. I'm very aware that my parties have a reputation, heck, that I have a reputation for these sorts of things but I simply hoped that things would be okay.

I mean, it's simple, come to party, have free drinks, talk to people, have fun, go home. But...why can't people adhere to that? Why can't people respect the host of the party, the house of the party.

When my brother and my homies asked me to through the party, I in turn asked my parents, asked them relentlessly to have a party, they relented and I rewarded them with a big party that the cops had to be called in on. Some son I am.

I have to admit, I'm conflicted, very much so. I feel hated and loved at the same time. When I told my family and my close friends that I was leaving soon they took me out, they spent as much time with me as possible. My father and mother, who I barely spoke to through college, took me out so they could spend time with me. My mom took me shopping and my dad had those father/ son talks with me. My best friend spends as much time with me as he could, my brother hangs out with me as much as he can, so does my other brother. I try to soak in as much time as I can with Chewie as possible. Yet at the same time, I'm sad, I'm sad that people who assured me that they would come see me didn't, people who assured me that things wouldn't go down but they did, people who said they would take care of me didn't, I'm sad that when things got out of hand, my own brother was too wasted to do anything about it so I had to take care of everything.

I honestly think there's something wrong with me. I try so hard. But in turn, I get nothing. But the fact remains that I can't feel sorry for myself because that's not going to accomplish anything, I just have to go out and change it up.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Things have been the same for me for far too long, something's gotta give. If something truly is wrong with me, I have to find out what that is and fix it.